Well, it seems that a post I wrote a couple of weeks ago really upset some of my readers and for that I want to apologize. In no way is anything I write meant to be skewed in any other context than how it relates to me. These are just my feelings in relation to me.
I guess what the general theme of that post was meant to be was that I feel lost. I explained it to Jen tonight on our walk, I feel like I am floating and that I am supposed to do something but I have no idea what that is. And maybe that is one of the reasons I want a baby right now, because I want to do/be something meaningful. I think a lot of my feelings have to do with the fact that we are still living with Joan and Al and we really don't have a place to call our own. We are just waiting...floating...
I almost feel like when we move into our own house, I'll have solid ground to stand on and that's when my life will start. Not to say that I don't have a life right now. But I feel like a senior in high school who just graduated and is heading out to college and just can't wait because now they get to find out who they really are! They just have to make it through the summer with their parents before they can strike out on their own. Well, my summer has lasted 3 years and it will probably last another year before the house is built.
I know a lot of the times I come off sounding extremely ungrateful, which is so far from the truth, you have no idea. I am so incredibly lucky and blessed to have married into such a wonderful family. Joan and Al are the two of the most generous people you will ever meet and I do love them. But to never have any privacy, any real privacy, to know they are always just a floor above us, or walking around the house, sometimes I just want to sit and cry in frustration. To so look forward to having a day off, a day of solitude to just relax or read, or even do household chores, only to find out they had just gone out for the morning and they have the day off too and now you feel confined to your floor...well, it's not fair for Al when he comes home from work and I've been stewing in frustration all day. I'm sure he's sick of hearing it too.
I know, I know, it's my feelings that cause me to feel this way. It's all me. It's never anything they've done, it all lies in me. And that makes me hate myself. And I really do lately. I do NOT like the Danielle I've become. I don't even recognize her. I'm angry all the time or stressed or frustrated about something that is really nothing in hindsight, but is compounded ten times over because I...well, I don't know exactly why. I could blame it on living here, but maybe that's not it. No, actually I think that maybe that is a very large part of it and the other part is again, going back to my previous post, that I feel lost personally and professionally.
Jen suggested church, but I'm not sure if that's something I'm looking for. Maybe it is. Amazing Grace, "I was lost but now am found." Who knows. I'm sure it all seems very ridiculous to a lot of people. I live for free in a beautiful apartment and we are being given land for free to build our house on. What do I have to be so stressed about. And they can only sympathize. Only a handful of people understand what I am talking about and going through and thank God for them, because if I wasn't able to talk to them and vent to them and feel like they didn't merely sympathize, but empathize with me, then I think I would have gone certifiably insane!
Just a note though: nothing ever comes for free.
I'll write more later when I'm in a better frame of mind. I think I'm starting to depress people! :-P
I guess what the general theme of that post was meant to be was that I feel lost. I explained it to Jen tonight on our walk, I feel like I am floating and that I am supposed to do something but I have no idea what that is. And maybe that is one of the reasons I want a baby right now, because I want to do/be something meaningful. I think a lot of my feelings have to do with the fact that we are still living with Joan and Al and we really don't have a place to call our own. We are just waiting...floating...
I almost feel like when we move into our own house, I'll have solid ground to stand on and that's when my life will start. Not to say that I don't have a life right now. But I feel like a senior in high school who just graduated and is heading out to college and just can't wait because now they get to find out who they really are! They just have to make it through the summer with their parents before they can strike out on their own. Well, my summer has lasted 3 years and it will probably last another year before the house is built.
I know a lot of the times I come off sounding extremely ungrateful, which is so far from the truth, you have no idea. I am so incredibly lucky and blessed to have married into such a wonderful family. Joan and Al are the two of the most generous people you will ever meet and I do love them. But to never have any privacy, any real privacy, to know they are always just a floor above us, or walking around the house, sometimes I just want to sit and cry in frustration. To so look forward to having a day off, a day of solitude to just relax or read, or even do household chores, only to find out they had just gone out for the morning and they have the day off too and now you feel confined to your floor...well, it's not fair for Al when he comes home from work and I've been stewing in frustration all day. I'm sure he's sick of hearing it too.
I know, I know, it's my feelings that cause me to feel this way. It's all me. It's never anything they've done, it all lies in me. And that makes me hate myself. And I really do lately. I do NOT like the Danielle I've become. I don't even recognize her. I'm angry all the time or stressed or frustrated about something that is really nothing in hindsight, but is compounded ten times over because I...well, I don't know exactly why. I could blame it on living here, but maybe that's not it. No, actually I think that maybe that is a very large part of it and the other part is again, going back to my previous post, that I feel lost personally and professionally.
Jen suggested church, but I'm not sure if that's something I'm looking for. Maybe it is. Amazing Grace, "I was lost but now am found." Who knows. I'm sure it all seems very ridiculous to a lot of people. I live for free in a beautiful apartment and we are being given land for free to build our house on. What do I have to be so stressed about. And they can only sympathize. Only a handful of people understand what I am talking about and going through and thank God for them, because if I wasn't able to talk to them and vent to them and feel like they didn't merely sympathize, but empathize with me, then I think I would have gone certifiably insane!
Just a note though: nothing ever comes for free.
I'll write more later when I'm in a better frame of mind. I think I'm starting to depress people! :-P
1 comment:
Nice upbeat post. Glad your weekend was so good.
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