It's only 1:00pm and...

...I'm awake. Wide awake even though, by all rights I shouldn't be after having slept only 4 hours in the last 24+. But sometimes when I get to a certain point of "awakeness," my mind goes into hyperdrive and I can't shut it down. Sometimes I'm thinking about a book I'm reading that is just so delicious, not even the promise of a deep sleep keeps me from dreaming about it and waking up wanting to read it. Other times I'm monologuing, talking out chapters in my head from books I've yet to write. I've noticed that I do that a lot. It's almost "Scrubs"-like.

Lately I've been selfishly preoccupied with my life. I asked Al the other night, "Is it OK that I don't want to join any committees or boards at work? That I just want to keep work at work and not have to feel like I need to do more?" And he supported me and said, "Of course." But the other night as I was getting out of the shower (and I do some deep thinking under the hot water) I was wondering what, if I were to die tomorrow (morbid, I know), what would be written about me in my obituary. What could possibly be said about me?

Danielle was a good nurse and she enjoyed photography and reading...ummm, yeah that's about it.

I spent a lot of time in high school joining clubs and sports, working part time jobs all four years, each one a badge of accomplishment I wore proudly not so much because I was interested in all the things I joined, but because I wanted to really beef up my college applications and say, "Yes, I was on 5 clubs, worked at a part time job and was able to maintain high honors my senior year." Being a good student came effortlessly, it's not like I admirably worked my ass off such as my best friend, Brandi did. Can you really be given credit for something that comes easy to you if you didn't work your very hardest to get it?

There are so many things that I am interested in. Photography for example. I have the equipment, I have the books, now I just need to put them together. There are many things I know I could be good at, excel at even, but I think there is a very small part of me that becomes domineering, and says You'll never be the best, so why bother trying if you can't? The things that I've been the best at, again, came effortlessly, I never had to work at them. Anything I think I've had to work at to become good at, I just didn't do, chalking it up to not being as interested in it as I thought I would be.

So I feel like I am at a stalemate in my life. I want to live a life where my credentials are a mile long, but they were all things I enjoyed doing to get them. I don't want to have to join more "clubs" at work just to say I was a member of the Clinical Practice Committee or join something in town and sit through boring meetings of which I have no interest in just to say that I was part of the Planning and Zoning Committee. So where do I go from here? It doesn't seem like it's enough just to be a good person anymore, it feels like you need a list of credentials or a bunch of random letters after your name to make you look, or in my case, feel, like someone important.

I've often asked Al whether or not he thinks I'm a loser because I have only my Associates degree with no desire to get my Bachelors in nursing when so many of our friends have advanced degrees, some even with PhD's and he vehemently assures me that college degrees, regardless of how far you go in school, does not define a person's moral fiber and why waste the time, effort and money if you truly don't have a passion for what it is you want to go for and the only reason you are going is to get those fancy pieces of paper. I love what I do, but other than make me a BSN instead of an RN, going back to school for another two years would be a pointless waste of time.

Who knows, maybe my lack of desire to do things comes from my selfish side. There have been a couple of times where I've thought that things would change for me when I have a baby. But the other part, a BIG part of me, doesn't want to be one of those people who kind of just floats through life before they have a baby, and now that they do, their child is what defines them. I've always had a yearning, a craving to do something big! I don't know what though. In my mind, it's usually in the form of owning my own business be it a tanning salon, a gym, or being a photographer or inventing something. But again, those seem to me like things that are self-centric.

Shouldn't I want to do more for other people? Shouldn't I be giving more of myself and more of my time to people who need it? Would that make my life more meaningful? I don't think so, because at this point, I'm not thinking about how I can help these people, but rather how it makes me look helping these people. And that makes me feel like a horribly, selfish person. Al says that charity starts in the home. So I guess that's where I should start...